Privacy Policy

privacy policy

Credits to: www.writershq.co.uk

“With thanks to Writers’ HQ, our supreme writing commanders, glorious leaders and excellent but tiny overlords, who have verily granted us permission to use their splendid and sweary Privacy Policy.”

Wow has anyone ever read one of these?

We have to have one of these dealios to explain how we comply with the PIPEDA (Personal Information Protection and Electronic Documents Act) – 'cause we’re Canadian, eh, GDPR (General Data Protection Regulation), the DPA (Data Protection Act) and the PECR (Privacy and Electronic Communications Regulations) because God knows there’s not enough actual interesting things in the world to read, you need to read 1,000 words of legalese nonsense that makes literally not one bit of difference to anyone, ever.

Also we don’t really know what these things are. We’re just two totally Cool entrepreneurs who thought we’d have a laugh and get other people creating Cool businesses with us.

Short words (written by Cool people)
The best bit about the GDPR is that all this has to be “concise, transparent, intelligible and easily accessible” so hold on to your hats, motherfuckers, this is going to be the shortest, clearest and Coolest freakin’ privacy policy you ever did see.

So. Here we go…

Tl;dr

We’re a busy, overstretched business and we don’t have the time or energy to do anything nefarious with your data. It’s not that we’re not evil – we’re as corruptible as anyone – we’re just too tired to think up a malevolent plot to steal your identity.

We collect and store the info we need to provide you with the service you buy from us. We occasionally stalk you via Facebook adverts. That’s really it.

Cookies

Seriously who actually cares? Do you even know what a cookie is or does? Well then. Yes we use cookies because that’s kinda how the Internet works. If you don’t want our Cool, delicious home-baked chocolate chip scripts, then you need to block cookies on your browser but don’t come crying to us when nothing does what it’s supposed to.

Stalky Visitor Tracking

Look, we’re following you, ok? We use Google Analytics, primarily to stare at the real time stats because they’re Cool but also to see what stuff people are looking at so we can create more of the stuff you like.

We also have the Facebook Pixel installed so that we can sell you stuff. Yes you heard it. We are a business and – shocker – we want you to spend money with us. The Facebook Pixel means that we can see how people interact with our site and with Facebook adverts and then we try to flog you relevant stuff. If you’ve not seen the Facebook Ads analytics dashboard MAN ALIVE it’s stalker central. That shit is a terrifying Black Mirror horror show. If you’re not on Facebook – well bloody done, but the pixel is tracking you anyway.

None of these things store any super personal data about you but probably they nab your IP address… all we see is that a person or many people have interacted with the website in a particular way. You can mess with us by doing something totally unexpected on the website and skewing our stats. Or you could do something way more fun and useful with your time LIKE CREATING A COOL BIZ.

Data Storage

DATA!! It’s all about the data, baby. A literal fuck-tonne of petabytes whirring around the world and what? What’s it all for? WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN? What will future historians actually see of us and our slowly collapsing society? So. We store your data in a few different places and use it in a couple of different ways. You ready for this?

Here on this website! If you register with the site we will store your name and email address. If you buy stuff from us we will store your name, email address, postal address, phone number if you give it to us, and purchase history. Your payment details ARE NOT held on the site. We obviously go to the maximum effort to keep this data secure and only two people have access to it. Only one of them ever actually looks at it and that’s to solve any technical problems you might have.

We’ll be honest: we do absolutely nothing unsurprising or radical with your info. We use your purchase history to target you with ads for stuff you might like. For e.g. if you buy an online marketing course, we’ll occasionally ask you if you want a more advanced course. Does that make us EvilMegaCorp? Idk, it’s fairly standard isn’t it?

Kartra: If you’ve signed up for anything or bought anything on our site – free course, paid course, membership, anything – your name and email address also wangs its way over to Kartra, which is the system we use to manage our emails. They are GDPR compliant. You can unsubscribe from emails at any time by hitting the unsubscribe button. Our courses are also contained within Kartra.

Your Payment Details: When you buy stuff, you will either pay through Stripe or PayPal. The only payment-based details we hold on our site is how much you’ve spent and whether you paid with Stripe or PayPal. We have no bank or card details or nada here. Stripe is compliant to all the above. PayPal is being totally weird about GDPR but will have to be GDPR compliant or everyone in Europe will have to stop using it and probably they don’t want that.

Email Marketing Thingies

If you sign up for one of our free offers we will send you what you asked for. You can unsubscribe at any time by clicking the unsubscribe button in any email. Your name and email address are stored securely in Kartra.

If you sign up for a course, we will send you an email about how to access the course. We may even send you some follow-up emails with other Cool stuff you can use. You can unsubscribe but then you’ll never know what Cool stuff you missed out on.

Kartra adds tracking things to links so if you click on a link WE KNOW. If you open an email WE KNOW. If you ignore us reminding you to be creating your dream biz WE KNOW.

The most important thing about this is we only use this to make your email experience with us that much better and NOT annoy the shit out of you.

Your Right to be Deleted

FINE FUCK OFF THEN WE DON’T CARE. If you don’t want to hear from us again, just check the “Don’t Contact Me Again” button under the “Unsubscribe” selection at the bottom of one of our emails. We’ll delete you from our database while having a passive aggressive huff about what we could have possibly done wrong.

This does not include PayPal and Stripe. If you want to delete your PayPal or Stripe accounts you have to do that yourself via PayPal or Stripe. We cannot delete your purchase history because the taxman will be terribly upset.

Just so you know, though, you won’t be able to access our courses anymore. We’re not being dicks, it’s because we need your email address so we know you’ve paid and that you’re allowed to access it.

Social Media and All That Bollocks

We use social media a lot, partly to promote our courses but mostly as a vehicle for our perspective and opinions. If you talk to us in our Facebook group and we become familiar with you, we might find you on Twitter and say hello. You can ask us to be less friendly if you wish and we will of course respect your boundaries.

Even if you are part of one of our courses, you are not required to follow our social media accounts. It’s up to you what you read or don’t.

Got it? Read it? Done it? WELL FUCKING DONE YOU!

Celebrate your achievement with a gold star.

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Pat & Lorna
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